Needlessly Disastrous but Utterly Expected
by snappleducated
Summary: Unwilling beauty queens Korra and Asami become pageant finalists, and proceed to topple the entire establishment by continuously undermining their supposed rivalry through aggressive flirting. — AsamiKorra


**ENTITLED**. Needlessly Disastrous but Utterly Expected  
 **FANDOM**. Legend of Korra  
 **LENGTH**. 2,504 words  
 **SETTING**. Alternate Universe where women are evaluated and quantified for their appearances—wait a minute.  
 **PROMPTS**. "Tournament (AU)", Air (element), both persons refuse to fight, "You have to fight to reach your dream. You have to sacrifice and work hard for it." – Lionel Messi  
 **DISCLAIMER**. I do not own the Legend of Korra characters, universe, or a single scrap of merchandise.  
 **NOTES**. Written for round seven of the Pro-Bending Circuit's challenge, submitted for team Harbor Town Hog Monkeys.  
 **SUMMARY**. Unwilling beauty queens Korra and Asami become pageant finalists, and proceed to topple the entire establishment by continuously undermining their supposed rivalry through aggressive flirting. — AsamiKorra

* * *

Korra moaned.

"Could you please wake up a little faster?" Tenzin was already tugging at his beard. "You're supposed to be on stage in three hours! And we haven't even practiced your trampoline routine! Korra, you have to _fly_."

"I have another idea," Korra said. "What if I did my routine in high heels? Then I would be like the foxy lady detectives on television. Only, like, in the air. That'd show them."

Tenzin seized her by the ankle and began heaving backwards. With the air of a man wounded past composure, he cried, "I don't have enough time or caffeine to deal with your teenage sarcasm! Get up! You may have been able to wow the audiences with your routines until this point, but going into the finals, things will be _different_." He paused, and then added, "Think what you want, but I am certain there will be at least _two_ gymnasts in stilettos."

Under Tenzin's gently guiding hands, Korra found herself suddenly lying facedown on the floor. She made a few brief noises of protest, and then lay down to sleep again. "I don't _care_ about this. I thought you were entering me in a fighting tournament. Beauty pageants are stupid."

"I can see we'll be needing to spend extra time on your short answers," Tenzin muttered. "Korra, listen to me. We've already come this far. Why not give it your best shot? If you win, you'll be able to go to any university you want."

"I hate school," Korra moaned again. Tenzin ignored her, as the legal guardians of muscle-brained idiots sometimes were required to do. He turned on the television in the corner of the room, and forcibly propped up his ward so she could see the live-stream and hopefully reflect on her countless mistakes. "You see that girl? Her name is Asami Sato, and she is heavily favored to win."

Korra stared. Asami Sato was cutting her breakfast into perfect, bite-sized portions, and chatting amicably with the cameraman rather than the beady-eyed reporter attempting to interview her. Korra, who believed in speaking the truth as loudly as possible, voiced the obvious facts.

"Tenzin, she is like, the most beautiful person in the world. I don't even _want_ to compete with her. I want to take her out to dinner and watch her eat to make sure she's human. That sounded a lot more normal in my head."

"Korra," Tenzin breathed in slowly through his teeth. "Please just stammer a lot if anyone wants you to talk, and preferably avoid answering any questions."

"What? It's true." Korra narrowed her eyes. "I like her little jacket. Why don't I have a little jacket? Wait, is that the restaurant in this hotel? Is she _downstairs_?" Korra leapt to her feet. Tenzin was no longer sure if an active Korra was the improvement he'd been waiting for.

"Korra, we need to practice—"

"Yes, of course, but before that, I must eat three pancakes," Korra jabbered. She was trying to put both of her socks on, at the same time, while standing. "With her. At her table. Or maybe just nearby. I don't know; I'm open to improvisation."

Before Tenzin could manage another word, Korra had bolted out of her hotel room, twisting her hair up into a bun as she went. Tenzin rubbed his forehead, feeling suddenly exhausted. The last time Korra had been interested in someone, seventeen people had ended up spending the night in jail.

* * *

Asami broke off her interview mid-sentence as a pretty, breathless girl in running clothes flopped into the chair next to her own. The cameraman and reporter also fell silent. The mysterious intruder blushed. "So, hey! Hi. I'm Korra. I didn't mean to hijack your interview, sorry. I saw you on television and realized that we were in the same hotel. I'm in the same pageant as you, by the way."

"Oh!" Asami said. Korra blushed still further as Asami's marvelous green eyes widened with pleasure. "Oh, I'm so glad you're here. I haven't made any friends yet." She pushed her plate towards Korra. "I'll call over a waiter. Are you hungry? You can have some of my food while you wait. I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be a vegetarian, anyway, so I keep ordering the wrong stuff."

"I get that," Korra said, with half a sausage hanging out her mouth. "Tenzin, I mean, I guess just think of him as my uncle? My uncle and his family are super into that humanitarian thing. Which is cool. But animals are so delicious." She paused to stare at the reporter. "Are you still listening to this?"

"I think we've said enough for today," Asami interjected with considerably more tact. She sent the report and camera man a stunningly lovely smile. "Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me."

"Yeah, _bye_ ," Korra added, still chewing. Asami covered her mouth to snigger.

* * *

"Korra!" Tenzin hissed, now waving Korra towards him with an ostrich-feather fan Korra was certain she had never seen before. "This behavior is inexcusable! Whether you were assessing Ms. Sato for weaknesses or trying to establish a friendship-narrative for the cameras, we have precious little time to be diverting towards new tactics!" Tenzin fluttered around, two pink spots blooming across his cheekbones as his excitement levels spiraled forever upwards. Korra began to long for the calm patience of Pema, the household's real meditation master.

Korra blew a raspberry. She believed in honestly representing her inner feelings. "Ugh, Tenzin, we were just hanging out."

"Hanging out. _Hanging out_. What does that even mean?" Tenzin stomped around the dressing room for a moment. The woman who was styling Korra's hair into a mountain of brown ringlets paused to watch him with interest. Korra frowned. She could definitely smell hair burning.

"Hanging out is just hanging out," Korra barked. "This right here is the perfect example of why you didn't get married until you were forty."

"I was thirty nine," Tenzin hissed. "And henceforth, there shall be no more of this _hanging out_. I am instating a firm policy on this, a hard rule. If my daughters aren't hanging out, then you certainly shouldn't either."

Korra smiled. There were some fights that a person won before the challenge was ever issued. Goadingly, she said, "Asami told me she thinks this pageant is bullshit too. You know, she's actually really cool. She told me she's just doing this for a friend, who used to be really into beauty stuff but has since then gotten really sick. If she wins, she's donating all of the money to medical research."

"Fantastic," Tenzin growled. He tried to scowl at Korra but then caved in and came over to begin scolding the hairdresser.

* * *

In full makeup and packed into dress that was fifty nine percent glitter, Korra was uncertain anyone who knew her back at home would be able to recognize her.

"Hey, you look great!" Asami whispered, and Korra jumped. She hadn't noticed the other girl at first, most likely due to the conspicuous lack of frills and stupidity on Asami's pageant dress. She, apparently, was the only one who was allowed to look like an adult.

"That's so unfair!" Korra wailed. "You look like a hot assassin and I look like someone who's too old for Halloween!"

Asami laughed good-naturedly. "Don't be silly, you're really beautiful."

Korra blushed and looked at the floor. Tenzin would be so pissed. A part of Korra thought that was for the best, and that maybe if she just provoked Tenzin enough his stress levels would boil over, and he'd be returned to the wise and thoughtful man she knew, rather that the slightly rabid pageant monster his latent sense of competitiveness had steered him towards becoming.

The lights came up on stage, and the audience began to applaud wildly as the announcer walked out, beaming and welcoming the viewers. Korra told herself to smile. Maybe Tenzin was right; they _had_ come this far. Even if she'd somehow signed up for the wrong contest, it wasn't like the prize money was bad. Maybe she could send Jinora to university in her place. The girl was twelve; it was time to get her out of the house.

The line of beauty queens in front of Korra and Asami marched out on stage, their faces glowing. Asami looked over her shoulder back at Korra, and smiled. "Would it shock you to know I'm actually terrible at walking in heels? I'm so tall, I never use them."

"Why would you? Whenever I wear them I think about what I'd do if someone attacked me and I had to fight back." Korra nodded affirmatively. Asami's mouth pinched around a grin.

Asami held out an elegant, pale hand towards Korra, and asked softly, "Help a girl out?"

"Obviously," Korra muttered, and their fingers slid together. They walked on stage with the rest of their row, keeping each other steady.

* * *

Korra tried to imagine a scenario when she would have to wear a bikini and a pair of stilettos ever again in her lifetime. "Seriously," she mumbled to Asami, both of them smiling woodenly on stage as they turned in a slow circle. "Exactly how do they even justify what they're evaluating right now? This is even more egregious and impractical than having to learn calculus."

"It's too bad you feel that way," Asami whispered back. "Because your butt looks phenomenal."

Korra stood up slightly straighter, feeling pleased. Inspired, she flexed, and Asami's face turned pink as she struggled not to giggle.

"Ladies!" the announcer cooed into the microphone, "Let's keep it classy!"

"Let's not," Korra muttered, and then both she and Asami became too embarrassed to do anything other than peek at each other for the rest of the segment.

* * *

"It's a pleasure to have you with us this evening! I've heard that this is your first pageant. Most of the girls here have been practicing and working hard at being a beauty queen for over a decade now. How does it feel to have jumped to the top so easily?"

Korra fiddled with the ends of her hair. "Well, I don't know. I guess people liked seeing me jump around on the trampoline."

The audience laughed politely, while the announcer made a show of guffawing. Korra frowned. "You may be right, little missy!"

"Little missy—!" Korra repeated.

"Tell me what inspired you to start working on your routine? We've never had a girl on before who specialized in trampoline acrobatics."

"Oh, sure," Korra nodded. "Well, due to various circumstances, I've spent the past few years away from my family. The people who I live with are really nice, and they got me started on the trampoline as a way for me to work off some of my aggression. I was originally planning on being a MMA fighter, but now I'll probably just join the circus and see how it goes from there."

Nobody was laughing now. Korra shrugged.

"MMA? Is that some form of cancer?"

"Mixed Martial Arts," Korra clarified. She thought for a moment, and then held out her hands to the announcer, "Here, I'll show you. My jujitsu is getting really good."

"Let's just talk about your fellow contestants!" the announcer screeched. Korra let him out of the arm-bar she'd been executing. The announcer pressed his sudden advantage. "There's been a lot of scrutiny over you and contestant twenty, Asami Sato. The two of you met just this morning? You were spotted holding hands during our opening ceremony."

Korra shrugged. The silence stretched on. After almost five seconds of total nothingness, Korra shrugged again. "Yeah?"

"Are you surprised to have found yourself as Ms. Sato's main competitor this evening?"

Korra blinked, "Wait, what? They already released the results?"

"Charming!" the announcer bellowed, and the audience clapped again with his prompting. Korra looked around, rather like a drunken polar bear might have done.

"Wait, that's great. We can just split the winnings and all go home."

"Contestant, what are you saying!" the announcer gasped. "You have to fight to reach your dream. You have to sacrifice and work hard for it! Should we have divvied up the winnings between all fifty applicants and sent you on your merry way with a mere thousand dollars each?"

Korra could honestly see no problem with this. "That's like, a hundred pizzas each?"

"The girl's currency is _pepperoni_!" the announcer screamed to the audience, who all snickered. Korra growled. The announcer made a show of whipping a gold-trimmed handkerchief from his breast pocket and dabbing at his eyes. The cloth came away dusted orange from his heavy foundation. "Oh, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. In any event, I'll surmise the situation for you. You and Ms. Sato scored nearly evenly during your talent portions—"

"How is that even _possible_? She built a plane out of a flashlight in five minutes. And it flew." Korra still felt slightly shaken by what she had witnessed, and was still torn over whether she believed Asami had mystical creation hands or some equally divine power known as Advanced Engineering Prowess.

"—and while Ms. Sato clearly dominated in the evening dress, you were an unexpected knockout during the swimsuit portion with your spectacular fitness. Ms. Sato's height and, some felt, unattractive slenderness—"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, some of the judges thought that proportionally, Ms. Sato lost out to you in muscle definition and curvature—"

Korra stood up so suddenly that her chair crashed to the ground behind her. She seized a handful of the announcer's shirt, dragged him towards her, and snarled, "Listen to me you _stupid little man_ , Asami is beautiful and smart and kind and about a million times sexier than you will ever be." She threw him away from her as the crowds gasped and Tenzin moaned. Korra stomped over to the wings of the stage, where Asami stood shocked, the hands she'd cupped over her mouth unable to hide her ridiculously wide smile. "I hate beauty pageants!" Korra yelled, just in case her message hadn't sunk in.

"Korra," Asami breathed. "I don't even know where I should begin!"

"You're too good for this place. We should leave," Korra said, which was about as dashing as she could manage to be. Asami prodded Korra's cheek and bit a dark-red lip. She was obviously doing her best to be swept off her feet.

" _We_ should leave," she repeated, with warm inflection. Korra did a little hop.

"Just send one of us the check!" Asami called as they left the stage. "Crowns are for children's birthday parties and the perpetrators of unspoken caste systems!"

"God, you're so smart," Korra moaned.

* * *

Not ten minutes after Korra had left in her typically destructive, heartless fashion, Tenzin reached glumly for the phone. "Hello," he sighed. "I realize we're in the off-season, but is it still acceptable to sell children to the circus?"


End file.
